cOmFoRt iN mY sTrAnGeNeSs

mY oWn WoRsT eNeMy


wow! last post - August 28, 2008. 2008!!!
it even took me 15minutes to log in - i forgot my login access :s
shame! shame! shame on me!
i won't be surprise if it will take me forever to finish this post

checked out some expensive bags last weekend. like i can afford it *roll-eyes*. well, sometimes it's good to look-see. check what's in the market now...because i swear i couldn't remember the last time i walked pass those stores. i remember telling a friend once that i couldn't even remember the last time i bought a sleeper. well i remember now; i had to get a new pair because my old slippers bailed on me.

i should be sleeping by now. i think i am over worked or for whatever other reasons, i wouldn't want to know. oh! and i have an 830am meeting later. sweet!

i wish i could be someday like this...
how's that for a thought at 3am?



i am bored...

i want to be able to read, write and draw again. signs that i am getting bored. signs that i need my outlets back to keep me from thinking or squeezing my brains out for i don't know what. i am not pretty sure if these are signs of my depression. i hope not. i remember the last time i felt this way. i seriously went out to look for a sketch pad and some stuff to start drawing again. i fetish feet. so then i started drawing my feet...my friends' feet...other people's feet...our visitors' feet...until i got too obsessed, i even drew a kid's feet playing in the street. well, i couldn't remember how i did it. i swear, if i could just make him stop for a minute or two, it wouldn't be so difficult for me to finish it. nevertheless, it was a feet-looking-thing. until i got tired because i felt i've no more feet to draw..so then i stopped. i got sick and tired of sketching my feet as well. silly me. see, i am bad in imaginations. one time, i've got no 'sample feet' to draw and since i was sick and tired of my feet it makes me want to vomit, i tried to imagine one. it turned out looking like a toad and i had a terrible headache after that. what are the odds?

i guess, there's always time to get and be bored, at least to me. i am bored when i've got no one to talk to. and when i have one, i don't speak. dang! when i do, i tend to say a lot it gets too much to absorb for the other person. tsk!

anyway, my last book read?...


humurous , silly and very-well written...yeah and that was like two months ago O_O
and i didn't know eleanor rigby is a beatles' song.


movies i watched....


ahh...a "real state of the art" movie. the only narration movie i liked...actually, i fell in love with it. i didn't get bored at all...you'd really sit on it and wait until it's finished

[photo click]
directed and written by sean ellis, a real artist, i must say.

what happens in vegas...
another movie that took my laughs away. i was laughing to death the entire time. how can i ever resist cameron diaz and her perky-girly-like acting. vegas is fun!

[photo click]
made of honor...
sweet and cute...i liked it. the modern version of 'my best friend's wedding'.

[photo click]

sex and the city...

...and of course, watching movie is nothing without seeing sex and the city. i thought i wouldn't like it as the previews are not that catchy. i find the story line not good. nevertheless, an almost 2-hour movie made me smile. i felt like watching it over again. i like the way they continue the series with a movie and putting an end on it at the same time although i wanted more of it. what more can they think of, anyway, after the four ladies took their adventures in life for years and ending it with still being in love with each other and knew what really love is by finding their own love of their lives? and oh! i lurve the clothes...theh bags...and the shoes...

[photo click]

indiana jones and the kingdom of crystal skull....
i didn't get to finish the movie...hehehe...for some reasons. anyway, it was free though. thanks to my company :D well...the funny henry jones is still funny..old and still good-looking and still afraid of snakes...surprisingly i can still remember bits and pieces of of the others. it was a long wait though. fans, includes me, were not expecting mr lucas would come up with another adventure. h should already be inspired after tomb raider and national treasure. what took him so long? i would like to get a chance to watch it again...this time, i would have to finish it.

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can't wait to see narnia, kung fu panda...and waiting for the mummy..
all these and others more. i know this post is just so lame...i've not been putting anything on this for ages. mmmm, i would have to pay more attention on this thought :p

mOwE <<

pro sanity

i do not know...for some reasons none of 'em songs can sooth me nowadays. well, i know a lot, i can even do the name-that-tune-in-one-note-game. but not now...not even jim chapelle or coheed & cambria sooth me. i am doomed...i am panicking...have i lost me? O_O i don't even have at least one song i used to listen nowadays...not even one! not even the feeling of missing one song...not even the feeling of wanting to hear a song. something is wrong! pfffftttt....

well, i am sorry but i seriously have to quote this...

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

~ avenue Q

so, if i am not sane, what do i call me then? if this is not sanity, what do i call it then?
does this entry even made sense?

just a rant

unlike most teens, i don't talk about cute boys and dating....and all crappy stuff like that. i can't even remember the first time i ever shared a conversation with a friend about colors of lipsticks...or what color i like on my lips. aside from the fact that i don't put make up on (it irritates my face and make my lips a bit swollen), last night, i kinda felt a bit different. i attended the company's dinner and dance. mind you, first time ever have i attended and stayed up until the end of it. anyway, when roommate doing my face, i felt like a teen. weh! it's mushy, but true. i wonder what it's like then. well, i wouldn't know...and i don't wanna know. it may be a bit late to feel that, but i am fine by it :)  and yeah, i survived the night without any rashes on my skin...my lips are still normal, last time i checked. although my face was a bit itchy...it was not killing me that much. is there some cure for the itch?

it makes me wonder:
do single ladies (my age) would still talk about teen stuff like that? girls talk is always girls talk though...

anyway, if last year was a waste not getting the first price because i left early (just so i won't pay a fine of $100), last night was not bad. i get to win a price also...just in time when mom and siblings get here on christmas *cross fingers* ... i get to be on the centre stage doing the lousy-acting-like-a-lead-guitarist. a game so to speak. thanks to friends and my ever drunken team manager who pointed at me and pushed the MC to get me participate in the game. i couldn't complain and resist. i just got back from a smoke outside. next thing i know, they were pointing at me already.  it was fun though.

i am ranting, yeah.



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a book conceptualized by a japanese writer, koushun takami, i do not know for what purpose. it is disturbing. i do not know how many times i've stopped reading it for a while and continue when i had overcome my disturbance. violent, literally bloody but interesting. and this book became a movie.

i have nothing more to write...i am getting worried. ulk!


i couldn't count how many times i've read this book...
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(image click)

if only her words are literally palpable...then i could've literally melted. i've always loved how she described each character, each scenario in a very literary poetic way. there are twists of humor here and there, it's funny...heart pounding (at least to me)...heart dropping...i melted deep inside. if words were not expressed differently, which i couldn't explain how or well, one will find it mushy. but it's sweet, heart-felt. i didn't like the ending though...nevertheless, it's jeanette winterson, how can i not love her writings?!

i loved it when L said '...you are a pool of clear water where the light plays...' >> it's something you don't expect someone to blurt out from the deepest recess core of one's heart. and yes, that could be felt...



now, i am panicking...i've no more books to read :(
it's my only resort nowadays...not to think too much...not to imagine how life would be...not to trouble myself too much from anything...not to s-m-o-k-e!!!

in prozac...

current read:
for how many times i read this book, i do not know. bought a new copy with iKa. i finished in 3 days...now i am re-reading O_O

and i wish i could have this also...
but it was banned a long time ago and until now, we couldn't find any copy...anybody?


ahhh...radio blog - my new best friend...
thanks to iKa!!!

loving this song...he sounds like david gray...seriously, i like his genre. i like his voice...i like the way he sounds...i like him!!!

2 weeks had been...

i couldn't imagine how i've spent the past two weeks - how i've gone thru each day of it. it feels like it was only my body that exists in this world...bu not what's inside. i would wake up thinking about one thing -
how to get thru this day - i would wake up with one prayer - that things will be in hand. i would sleep feeling and thinking the same...awaiting for the promise of my dreams...promise of the following day. sometimes i don't sleep at all and hold on with my prayers and whatever promise it will bring. i am happy when i get to see you, when i am with you. i go berserk if i am not and if i don't. it seems to me that this whole of me is only working when you are there. i realized it doesn't take to hate anything or anybody to be miserable. sometimes things are just there - they make fun of you...they make a big joke out of you.

and so there's 2 weeks worth of laundry, 2 weeks worth of cleaning our toilet, an overdue utilities i need to pay. what am i doing? moping? i am not, i suppose. i am, at least, doing ONE thing i know i've got to do. if it's all worth it...i also don't know. there's 2 weeks worth of unread emails which never gave importance to me, 2 weeks of not feeling you. sometimes i do...and i did. most times, you are switched off. i wish i can switch off also...so then i won't feel, i won't think, i won't see...all these things existing infront of me would just be like toys hanging on top of my playpen going round and round...i can choose not to play with and destroy them. i can choose not to look at it because it makes me dizzy. but i figured, i CAN'T...i can't do that. as long as there's this something inside me that's beating each time, it gives me life...it gives me hope. i am just not sure if it gives me love. i hope it will and i hope all these shall pass and it will bring you back to me. it gives me a sharp pang from time to time but i don't mind. my hopes are enough to fight for this sharp pinch. i know this will shield me from that dagger which was buried there and even if it goes deeper and more painful, i can still surpass this. and i hope when i did, you would still be there, we would still be together...because i can't imagine life without you.

most times, i want to just disappear but even that i refused to do...i am afraid you won't be there when i go back.

random thought: i like the lyrics of 'big girls don't cry' by fergie...
ang galing! especially when she said like '...and i'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket but i've got to get a move on with my life...' ergo - '...yes you can hold my hand if you want to 'cause I want to hold yours too, we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds...'

barbie's cradle(s)

The moon's gone down
I know you're still awake
This heart I've found
I didn't intend to break
Cause I've seen the world from down there
And it wasn't a pretty sight
Now the circle is turning
Are you armed for the fight
I wanna be a firewoman
I'll water down your desire
Cause I know this love is a killer
I wanna put out your fire
Apology is futility
Now destiny is not a friend
Did you come for danger
You gave me love for pain
Now you're much more than a stranger
I wanna give you love
But all I have is rain
I'm gonna put it out


Let the eyes speak
Seven words of a dream
Let the eyes hear
You floating there in your beautiful space
While i jump to reach you
But i'm too little you fly higher
My wings are tired
I'm bound to the ground
While you are floating
Let it go i'll savor this like your drug
What is joy if not for pain
Who would we be and why is patience
Way over there i can't see him clearly
Come closer through the skin
To the spirit
While i jump to reach you
But i'm too little fly higher
My wings are tired
I'm bound to the ground
While you are floating

~ floating


i literally put a halt reading haruki's books. another masterpiece, norweigan wood. i must admit i delayed reading it...i didn't want to finish the book just yet. i didn't want to know what's going to happen....and it had to happen, i had to finish the book though. after which, i wanted to stop. it feels surreal that the stories and characters get into me. nevertheless, his works are just masterpieces i'd read over and over. i won't mind.

for the record, i do not like what i am feeling right now. i need a happy pill...                          The image “http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1058/1074822935_c2c8470435.jpg?v=0” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.


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