- 2 weeks had been...
- August 28th, 2007
i couldn't imagine how i've spent the past two weeks - how i've gone thru each day of it. it feels like it was only my body that exists in this world...bu not what's inside. i would wake up thinking about one thing - how to get thru this day - i would wake up with one prayer - that things will be in hand. i would sleep feeling and thinking the same...awaiting for the promise of my dreams...promise of the following day. sometimes i don't sleep at all and hold on with my prayers and whatever promise it will bring. i am happy when i get to see you, when i am with you. i go berserk if i am not and if i don't. it seems to me that this whole of me is only working when you are there. i realized it doesn't take to hate anything or anybody to be miserable. sometimes things are just there - they make fun of you...they make a big joke out of you.
and so there's 2 weeks worth of laundry, 2 weeks worth of cleaning our toilet, an overdue utilities i need to pay. what am i doing? moping? i am not, i suppose. i am, at least, doing ONE thing i know i've got to do. if it's all worth it...i also don't know. there's 2 weeks worth of unread emails which never gave importance to me, 2 weeks of not feeling you. sometimes i do...and i did. most times, you are switched off. i wish i can switch off also...so then i won't feel, i won't think, i won't see...all these things existing infront of me would just be like toys hanging on top of my playpen going round and round...i can choose not to play with and destroy them. i can choose not to look at it because it makes me dizzy. but i figured, i CAN'T...i can't do that. as long as there's this something inside me that's beating each time, it gives me life...it gives me hope. i am just not sure if it gives me love. i hope it will and i hope all these shall pass and it will bring you back to me. it gives me a sharp pang from time to time but i don't mind. my hopes are enough to fight for this sharp pinch. i know this will shield me from that dagger which was buried there and even if it goes deeper and more painful, i can still surpass this. and i hope when i did, you would still be there, we would still be together...because i can't imagine life without you.
most times, i want to just disappear but even that i refused to do...i am afraid you won't be there when i go back.
random thought: i like the lyrics of 'big girls don't cry' by fergie...
ang galing! especially when she said like '...and i'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket but i've got to get a move on with my life...' ergo - '...yes you can hold my hand if you want to 'cause I want to hold yours too, we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds...'